Week 1: The Immaculate Conception

The road to a new baby begins with a single... well, you know. Or do you? See, I thought I new how everything worked until my wife and I decided to start trying. Since I'm a slow reader, I figured I'd order a few books on pregnancy beforehand so I could get a head start. I buy the books online, get them in a few days and start reading, only to find out my wife is already pregnant without me doing a single thing! Now this was a shock to me. I had high hopes of being involved!

Don't worry; nothing salacious happened. Apparently this whole 40 weeks of pregnancy begins 2 weeks prior to conception. So "Week One" of pregnancy begins before the act that I always thought was the equivalent of pulling the trigger on the starting pistol - so to speak.
Now I know there are things going on inside of my wife involving eggs and ovaries and Fallopian tubes (don't quiz me on this). By the way, Fallopian Tube always sounded like a European model or some sort of evil villain: "Hello, my name is Fallopian Tube, prepare to meet your doom." Regardless, this process that occurs during the first two weeks of so-called pregnancy happens all the time. Why do they call it week one and week two of pregnancy? Can't we separate this out and just say there are 38 weeks of pregnancy and call this initial part something else... like preseason?

Oh well, this just means the 1st trimester will be shorter than expected and will go by so much faster, right? ... Right?

Introduction

I don’t know how to change a diaper. I’ve never played peek-a-boo. I’m not fluent in baby-talk and I’m pretty sure I’ll greet my future child with a handshake. Despite these things, I have always wanted children. Never have I wavered in that desire. I'm sure there are both selfish and unselfish reasons that I'll explore later but the truth is that being called "Dad" has always been in my mind as a cheerful inevitability.

I’m sure that from the outside-looking-in, one might be able to argue that I am not exactly the best possible candidate to be a dad. Of course I’ve been told the standard, “You’ll make a good father someday”, but I think everyone has to say that. In reality, I tend to shy away from any situation involving kids. My friends have a large gathering every week with multiple children. All of these gatherings tend to devolve into a big wrestling match at one point or another and I don’t envy the dad that is taking the elbow to the stomach or other vulnerable areas by three kids at once. If I were in his situation, my probable inclination would be to take the smallest child hostage, barricade myself inside the back bedroom, kick the screen out of the window and start running toward the nearby freeway where I could flag down some help. Okay, so maybe I’ve planned an exit strategy just in case.

Perhaps I feel this way because being around a big group of kids just takes me back to the schoolyard. Yeah, I wasn’t the most popular kid around. My childhood was mostly spent chasing imaginary vampires or werewolves, not playing kickball. The only incidences of physical horseplay during my adolescence involved putting my best friend in a headlock, and that was only out of pure necessity.

However, I am comforted by the prevailing wisdom that a completely new outlook happens once it is your child. I have seen that transformation take place, especially in guys. So sure, I’m unprepared and unqualified for fatherhood, but isn’t that true of most men? It might seem old-fashioned or even sexist to say but I believe that, for the most part, women are instinctively more nurturing. Oftentimes they may spend their childhood preparing for a baby: pushing their doll around in a stroller, giving it a bottle, watching it wet itself when you squeeze its stomach. (Note to self: do not do the last one with my real baby). Boys, on the other hand, don’t do much preparation. If my childhood playtime was preparing me for child rearing, then my little infant better be ready to take on the evil forces of C.O.B.R.A. So unless my child comes equipped with plastic accessories and a rubber band connecting the top half and bottom half, I'll be starting from square one as far as knowledge goes.

Despite my unpreparedness, this is a journey I have been looking forward to taking. The days to follow are sure to be filled with stress, ignorance, entertainment, bewilderment, and hopefully, most of all, joy. I'm guessing that over time, changing a diaper will be the least of my concerns.