Week 13: Sorry for being creepy... I'm about to be a dad.

Imagine you're an amateur painter. You're walking down a street, perhaps in France, and you come across a fellow artist painting a landscape. As you pass by, you see that he is rather adept at his art. You might just stop to watch him, perhaps pick up on a few tricks of the trade.

So is it really that different if you replace 'amateur painter' with 'father-to-be' and replace 'walking down a street in France' with say..., 'shopping at Ralph's'? Well, the answer is yes. It is very different... it's creepy.

I've always been what you might call socially awkward. Growing up I managed to surround myself with bigger personalities. I tended to hide in their shadows and, as a result of this, I didn't quite master the skills of interacting with my fellow man. It might be why I speak too quiet for anyone to hear or why I rarely say hello to my coworkers as I pass them in the hallway. But with all my ineptitude for social situations, even I know it's creepy to stare at some random parent as they talk with their child.

However, trying not to be creepy is harder than it sounds right now. For some reason over the last month I find myself zoning out and staring at parents interacting with their children against all my good judgment. And I don't mean just a glance; I'm talking a full-on stare. Perhaps I actually am learning. I picture the scene in T2: Judgment Day where Arnold learns to be more human from John Connor by being taught to say "Hasta la vista, baby." But more likely, I am just enthralled by the idea that these scenes playing out before me are now only 6 months away and the reality of the situation is hitting me harder than ever.

So as I watch a dad leaving the grocery store ahead of me, holding a balloon in one hand and his son's hand with the other, I can't help but watch intently. As the automatic doors open and the air blower above them turns on and blows the balloon backward, I snicker as the dad pretends he is thrown back by the force of the balloon also. His son laughs and I make a mental note: balloon trick = good.

Week 11: Congratulations on your pregnancy! -Love, Weirdo

My mind is officially boggled by the number of baby products that exist. Stepping into Babies R Us for the first time has to be similar to what it feels like to land on an alien planet. I can't figure out what half of the things do or how they function. Imagine the apes discovering the monolith in the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey and you'll have a pretty good picture of me in that store.

One particular trip stands out. I was shopping for my wife, hoping to buy her the very first maternity shirt for Mother's Day. I found one that I liked but upon closer inspection it didn't seem to look like a maternity shirt. It wasn't stretchy nor did it provide any extra room as far as I could tell. It just looked like a regular blouse with a tank-top built in. It wasn't until I looked at the tag and saw the wonderful illustration that I realized this was a nursing shirt, not a maternity shirt.

With all these new products to explore, it's easy to find some that are a little, shall we say, out there. That being said, I give you my list of the five strangest (or worst) gifts for a baby shower. You've been warned.

1) The Thudguard
The first helmet designed for learning how to walk or just laying around the house. I know what you're thinking: this seems a little too overprotective. On the contrary my friend. The website for the Thudguard addresses this concern on it's FAQ page. The Thudguard is the opposite of overprotective. This is for the parents who don't want to concern themselves with following little Billy all around the house as he learns to walk. Billy just took a spill on the hardwood floor? No problem, he's wearing a Thudguard. Billy fell off the bed? That's why we purchased the Thudguard. Even with all that being said, I understand the concern for safety, I really do. But why put the thing on top that looks like a propeller? That's really kicking Billy when he's down. What's that? Someone kicked Billy while he's down? Thudguard.

2) The Pregnancy Belly Casting Kit
Maybe you're thinking, "What keepsake will I be able to have once this whole pregnancy thing is over... you know, beside the baby?" Well now you can capture this moment in time with a pregnancy belly casting kit:

Just what a pregnant woman wants to do: sit still for 45 minutes while her stomach and breasts are covered with plaster of Paris. And what exactly are you supposed to do with this thing? The website offers a few ideas.

-Paint it and hang it on the wall. If I wanted my wife's belly and breasts greeting people as they walk into our house I would have married someone with less modesty.

-Use it as a pet bed.

-Use it as a serving dish for a large salad. Okay, this one isn't actually on the website but I did see a picture of someone who was using it as a fruit bowl.

3)CPR Teddy

This is one product that definately does not deserve mocking. It teaches parents infant CPR skills which is completely commendable. But keep in my mind these are my ideas for worst baby shower gifts. And this product's official website recommends this as a great shower gift. Nothing says party like a gentle reminder that imminent doom is always just around the corner.

4) Anarchy Onesie

I have a feeling this might send the wrong message to my baby. Might.

5) Zaky Infant Pillow

From what I understand these work very well at providing comfort for babies, especially preemies. And all the studies I read in my psychology classes would support that this product should bolster the ability to thrive in certain situations. But still, they creep me out. Plus, we all know the child in the above picture will eventually grow up to be this woman: